Heartbr(ache)

He was my serendipity, so unexpected. I wasn’t looking, but I was so happy to have met him then. Almost too good to be true. And in fact, he was just that.

I always ask myself, did he really break my heart over and over again? Or was I the one who kept breaking my own heart by settling for a relationship that I knew deep down, didn’t sit right with me, hoping over and over again that it would magically change on its own? I was, after all, responsible for myself, wasn’t I? I had choices in this world just like everyone else, didn’t I? It was up to me to teach people how to treat me, wasn’t it? Somewhere along the line I misplaced parts of my self-worth and blamed it on him. Somewhere along the line I started lying to myself, and blamed it on him. Somewhere along the line I started hating myself for staying loyal to a relationship that was killing me on the inside, and instead of taking accountability for what I was doing to myself, I blamed it all on him. 

I thought that if I continued to be a good woman, he would eventually return the favor and be a decent man. Or that if I stayed patient and understanding, eventually he’d realize his mistakes. But being a good woman to a man who couldn’t understand my worth only gave him someone to use. And being patient and understanding only gave him more leeway to continue hurting me. You wanna know what it was? Somewhere in the middle of our relationship, when his true colors started to show and hurt, I fell out of love with him and started creating this sort of fantasy or idea in my mind of who I hoped he would eventually become for me, and fell in love with that. Even when I realized I could not trust him, I still could not stop myself from loving him. Even when I realized he didn’t deserve me, I still felt like I deserved him. Because I had already given so much of me, and invested so much time and energy, that it just didn’t seem fair to have to walk away with nothing. Needless to say, I learned the hard way that people don’t become who you want them to, if that’s not who they want to be. Sometimes you’re too close to someone to see the way they really are, sometimes you love so much that you don’t want to.

You have to let it all go. The way he kissed you, the way he smelled, the way he touched your waist and pulled you in. You have to let it go, and you have to let him go. This heartache is real, the idea of an almost love, the thought of what could have been is just as painful as a broken heart. Do yourself a favor and learn how to walk away. When a connection starts to fade, learn how to let it go. When a person starts to mistreat you, learn how to move on to something and someone better. Don’t waste your heart trying to force something that isn’t meant to be. There’s a difference between a boy who kinda likes you, and a man who needs your soul next to his. Learn the difference.

Today, just because we don’t talk anymore, doesn’t mean that I’ve forgotten about him, it doesn’t mean that I no longer care. Truth is, I still do. I do my best to check up on him, to see how he’s doing, to see if he’s okay. But every time I get the urge to talk to him, it suddenly hits me that we’re strangers. But I told him I’d move on. I told him I’d let him go someday. Honestly, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done but it was worth it. For me, for my heart. After all, I still believe in love. I love, love. Love is dope. Love is magical. Love is powerful. Love is healing. Real love, is absolutely beautiful. Doesn’t matter how many times my own heart has been broken, there’s nothing that could ever make me say fuck love. I am love.

P.S.

To you, my almost love, if you happen to be reading this: I forgive you, you’re not sorry but I still forgive you. And even though everything’s changed, I just want you to know that, I’m still here. I’ll still be here for you. I don’t care what time it is, what I’m doing. Don’t hesitate to talk to me, because half the time I wish that you were talking to me. I just really miss your presence, I miss you being my best friend. I just miss you.